I Thought Love Was Black and White
by Rorschach01
Summary: Meredith is working out how invested she is in her relationship with Derek. My first take on a GA fic that ISNT just fluff. Takes place soon after the season finale. Cos Aussie TV sucks. MerDer, Mercentric. Chapter 2 up  The Thrill is Gone.
1. All or None

Hey guys, long time no post. I have a heap of stories I should update, but I've been busy with my final year of Uni. Anyway, this was intended as a one-shot, but I'll probably continue because I haven't really reached the conclusion I wanted to. This is basically a comparison of Meredith and Derek's relationship with my own. I love my boyfriend, but recently I have questioned aspects of our relationship. In the process, I've discovered some similarities in the two relationships. Anyway, please let me know what you thought. I understand that this story won't be for everyone, but constructive criticism would be very much appreciated. Many thanks.

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Meredith sat on the porch swing, a mug of coffee tucked in her hands. One leg was curled underneath her, while the other foot pushed the swing gently backwards and forwards. Lost in her thoughts, she softly blew on the steaming coffee, cooling the liquid before taking a sip.

In her mind's eye, Meredith was focused on Derek. He hadn't spoken to her since the night of Christina's non-wedding, and she could hardly blame him. Three days ago, she had stood in front of a large crowd of people and told them that it was over. He had read her meaning as she had intended him to… _they_ were over. But did she want that? She thought he did. She knew he should. Meredith was enough of a realist to understand that she would always doubt any relationship they had. She would always want to be hurt, for him to leave her. She had ummed and ahhed enough with the Addison thing to realise that she was a masochist when it came to relationships. When she had shown up, Meredith had used it as an excuse to drive a wedge between Derek and herself, but then when it had finally looked as though she might lose him, she had begged him to love her. And he had seen straight through her. Every time they tried to have a relationship, one of them would try their hardest to destroy it. And although Derek had done it once or twice, it was usually Meredith who did the damage. Did she really love him at all?

Of course she did. She probably always would. She had loved him from the first time he brushed hair out of her eyes. But was she _in_ love with him? That was the bigger question. There was a fine difference between loving a person, and being _in_ love with them. Meredith couldn't remember the last time she had had a belly flutter over him. But at the same time, she didn't want anyone else. She craved time with him, and his affection. Although the subject had never come up between them, Meredith wanted forever with him. Christina was her person, but he was her _someone_. When she was tired, when she was upset, when she wanted to feel alive, he was the one she went to. So why didn't she want a relationship with him?

Meredith sighed. _Damned Disney, giving me unrealistic expectations of love_. Meredith was unsure of what exactly it was that she wanted with Derek. She could see herself growing old with him. She could see the look on his face at the birth of their first child. She imagined how he would propose to her. Was that what she wanted? Suddenly she realised it was. The feeling of falling in love had left her. They had been together – sort of – for a year. The excitement and mystery of a new relationship had worn off, and she had found herself grasping in the shadows for the remnants of a relationship that no longer existed. It had been slowly replaced by a sturdy fire that burned within her. He had said he couldn't breathe for her anymore. He couldn't save her anymore. She realised now what he had meant. Derek was the love of her life and she had been pushing him away.

Reaching for her cell phone, Meredith typed a short message. _We should talk_. She held her breath as the envelope icon flashed, indicating it was being sent. She barely breathed as she waited for a reply. Had he meant what he'd said? Were they really through, or was there some way she could revive what was easily the best thing to have ever happened to her?

Her answer came barely 30 seconds later, when the phone in her hand vibrated, and a reply popped up on the screen. _Ok_.


	2. The Thrill is Gone

Hey all. Yeah, I've decided to extend it. Yet another short chapter. Next couple should be juicy though. Maybe. Anyway... was the last one so bad? Over 200 views, but only 2 reviews?!? Please peeps... let me know what you like, what you dont, yada yada. I need encouragement! Thanks for reading though! C.

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Meredith lay awake in bed that night, thinking about how her life had become so screwed up. Things were never simple when it came to men or relationships, she understood that. But there was something… else about her relationship with Derek that confused her. Her first boyfriend, in college, was more a defence mechanism than anything else. She hadn't hated him… so she'd accepted his offer of a relationship as a way of steering clear of other potential distractions. They had split not long after he met her mother, a year into the relationship. Meredith supposed she had engineered that deliberately. After all, if Ellis couldn't scare off a guy, she didn't know _whose_ mother could. For once, Meredith had found herself silently thanking her mother as she questioned the guy on exactly _what_ he planned to do with a fine arts degree.

Her second attempt had been the unfortunate consequence of tequila. As had the third. After that, and by her first year of med school, Meredith had realised that sleeping with a guy after copious amounts of alcohol didn't actually mean she had to try the relationship thing with them.

None of this was to say that she hadn't been in love before. She had. But she had also been smart enough to realise that any relationship in med school would end. Her mom had started displaying signs of early onset dementia and Meredith had already realised that she would need to move home to take care of her. She might not have the best relationship with her mom, but it didn't mean she didn't love her.

_Sadly,_ Meredith thought, _that's probably where it went wrong_. Love it may have been, a good relationship it was not. As a young girl, she had loved her father. As she grew older, she realised that he loved his daughters. His new ones, with the loving, caring wife. Thatcher loved his 'real' family, not the old one with the gawky girl he forgot to send cards to after her seventh birthday. She had – in her own way – loved Finn. But she hadn't been _in_ love.

And then there were Burke and Christina. If _they_ couldn't make it, if _they_ couldn't have a relationship, then there was no hope for her. So now here she was, seriously doubting her feelings for the man who – only months earlier – she had happily professed to be the love of her life.

Good God. What was she _doing_?!?

She needed some time away. From her McDreamy and her McLife. Grabbing her cell off the table beside her bed, Meredith tapped out a short message to Christina. _Let's blow this joint. You in?_ She checked the time as the message sent: 2.04am. Oh well, Christina wouldn't be asleep. She knew she was right when, only a moment later, she got the reply: _But what if we miss some sweet surgical action?_ Meredith grinned faintly at the thought process her friend's mind was going through at that moment. _Consider it an anti-honeymoon? I'll buy the beer…_

_Done_. _Sort out details tomorrow?_

_Done. 'Night._

Meredith smiled as she put the cell back down next to her. At the very least, they could get in some serious alcohol-induced bonding over the next few days. Sighing, she rustled around in her bed sheets and rolled onto her side, closing her eyes and waiting for sleep to claim her.


End file.
